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A hilarious story of Kirkwall life by Lorraine Bruce of Orkney Voices: The Fatty Cuttie Sweepstake🙌🏼 Something different for a Thursday morning! Lorraine Bruce of the Orkney Voices writing group has written this story featuring several town centre businesses and an entirely fictional - we think! - Thursday morning race along the street. Thanks to Lorraine for letting us share It with you. 😃
The Fatty Cuttie Sweepstake.
You join is here the day fur wur weekly Thursday race tae Shearurs. It’s the day they git thur delivery o’ fatty cutties in fae Westray, and yu canna baet a freshly baked wan wae a cup o’ tea and a read o’ the paper. The runners are joost gaetheran at the feet o’ the Strynd eftur hivan a rub doon and a cup o’ tea at Charlies Café.
Will hiv a luk at the runners in a meenit bit furst wael hear fae Jeck, the county man on the state o’ the corsh. “Weel, I think the goeen’ll be good. Thur wis rain last night bit its bright noo and even that slidey bit ootside the toon hall whar all the dogs stop fur a pee's fairly dried up. Thurs a couple o’ loose flags at the top o’ Frasers Closs and an faerful proggy thistle growan oot o’ the wall at Bruces Stores bit ither than that I don’t think thull be iny problems."
Thanks fur that Jeck buey, noo, lets git back tae the runners who are joost tightnan thur hood toggles and tryan tae stey calm, fur they can aesy git fleggit at this stage and wae don’t want a repeat o’ last week's fiasco when Mrs Cook o’ the Ha bolted, ran intae a bollard, and hid tae be sedated wae a brandy and port fae The Reel. Hids fearful grand tae see hur back this week and shaes no nearly is cock eyed is shae wis.
Next wae hiv Mimi Marwick, last weeks winner and shae lucks is keen is mustard. Shae’s luckan gaey frisky in a brand-new pair o’ Derry boots and that’s bound tae gae her extra grip whaen id comes tae the Hatimo Swerve.
Noo heres The Big Tall Wife Fae the Back o’ Costies. Shaes still got ur jesus sandals oan so that wid tael me shaes still a bit lame fae hur ingrowan toenail operation.
Wur last runner the day is That Man Wae the Cauliflooer Nose and the Too Peedie Hat. Ees luckan some determined. His nostrils are flaran an ees fiddlan nervously wae his nylon shopeen bag.
Thur joost circlan each ither noo, yarnan and tryan tae luck relaxed. Nobody wants tae be the first tae lave, fur shoor is shot is soon is they go thil be spokin aboot. Much better tae be second or even third tae go and catch up on the streyt. Of coorsh owertakan is much aesier since the corsh wis widened, and thurs a lot less tourists tae minoover aroond noo, at the tell end o’ the year.
Had oan noo, Mimi Marwicks on the move, “Yas Mrs Cook o’ the Ha,” shae says, “all see yu at the bingo oan Wednesday night. “Al nip in oan me wae home an pit wur boards an dabbers oan wur lucky teeble.“ Cheerios are saed…and shaes off. “Lucky teeble, me ersh,” says Mrs Cook o’the Ha. “Shael be nippan in fur a queek Baileys an a cantar roond the snooker table wae that new barman." Mrs Cook o’ the Ha turns oan hur heel an takan the ootside line tae avoid the bollards, shae taks off wae a swish o’ ur coat tels.
The Man wae the Caulifloor Nose and the Too Peedie Hat and The Big Tall Wife Fae The Back o’ Costies set off is weel and the race is oan.
So, its Mimi Marwick in the lead, followed by Mrs Cook o’ the Ha, wae The Man Wae The Caulifloor Nose and The Too Peedie Hat and The Big Tall Wife Fae the Back o’ Costies bringan up the rear.
Mrs Cook o’ the Ha is gainan on Mimi Marwick is they cum up tae the Longship, and while Mimi Marwicks distracted bae a horrid bonny pair o’ nut crackers in the window, Mrs Cook o’ the Ha sneaks aroond the ootside an taks the lead. Mimi Marwicks spied hur reflection in the window and shae whirls roond, bit wan o hur new Derry boots is caught oan Kirkness & Gorie's pavement sign, and doon shae goes. Mrs Cook o' the Ha hears a clatter bit she disna look roond. She’s keepan hur heed doon and gallopan on.
The Man Wae the Caulifloor Nose and the Too Peedie Hat has reached Mimi Marwick noo. He looks like ees gan right by…... bit no, ees pullan up an ees stopped tae gae hur a hand. That’s allowed The Big Tall Wife Fae the Back o’ Costies tae go by, wae ur blinkers oan and hur sandals slappan goodo.
So, its Mrs Cook o' the Ha in the lead. Shae's joost cuman up tae the Museum and the Hatimo swerve. Oh no! Hatimo is askan fur hur brither whose been laid up wae an unidentified drinkan injury. Shae's hivan tae stop and explain tae um that ur brither is coman at, bit eel niver be able tae wear a pair o’ chest waders again.
Here comes The Big Tall Wife Fae the Back o’ Costies and shae goes fleean past Mrs Cook o’the Ha and awaey doon Victoria Street. Oh, my lockars, wan o’ the bandages oan ur toes is cummed adrift and its trellan ahint ur. That’s bound tae slow ur doon, and sure enough here comes Mimi Marwick, closely followed by The Man Wae the Caulifloor Nose and the Too Peedie Hat, and Mrs Cook o’ the Ha is noo bringan up the rear. Mimi Marwick tramps on the bandage o’ The Big Tall Wife Fae the Back o’ Costies and dirls hur intae a spin that sends hur fleean intae the bags o kinleen ootside the Clan shop.
Holy smock, this is a close race the day. Mimi Marwick's in the lead followed by The Man Wae the Caulifloor Nose and the Too Peedie Hat, Mrs Cook o’ the Ha is in thurd and The Big Tall Wife Fae the Back o’ Costies is retired I doot.
Thurs only a couple o' lengths atween thum noo is they pass Bruces stores and they all manage tae clear the faerful proggy thistle. Hids Mimi Marwick, The Man Wae the Caulifloor Nose and the Too Peedie Hat and Mrs Cook o’the Ha who’s cuman up on the ootside. Its Mimi Marwick flanked bae The Man Wae the Caulifloor Nose and the Too Peedie Hat and Mrs Cook o’the Ha taks the lead is they come up tae the line and hids Mrs cook o’the Ha , The Man Wae the Caulifloor Nose and the Too Peedie Hat taks second and Mimi Marwick feeneeshes in third.
Mrs Cook o’ the Ha enters the winnurs enclosure and goes up tae the coonter tae claim ur prize. “Oh, heck and Tommy,” says the lass ahint the coonter, "I doot thurs no fatty cutties the day. The Thorfinn blew a heed gaskit this morneen and shaes tied up til ids sorted. The Sigurds meant tae be gan oot this efternoon bit shael no be back in time tae git thum here the day."
Hid's a sad end tae the days raceen and joost is ivrybuddy’s makan fur the door The Big Tall Wife Fae the Back o’ Costies comes hipplan in wae ur bandage trellan ahint. Shae spies Mrs Cook o’ the Ha and says, “Oh deerie me Mrs Cook o the Ha, why the long face?”
© Lorraine Bruce 2019 ... See MoreSee Less